Well, it's Christmas, Valentine's Day, a Birthday, an Anniversary, or something and you're out searching for a gift. What to get? While out gift shopping one Christmas I got to pondering the import of the act.

Gift giving is an act which has power. When you buy someone a gift you send a message about what you think and value. Especially in them. In particular we send a message about how much we care about the receiver and we strengthen (hopefully not weaken) our relationship with that person, because, really, gift giving is an act of service and gives you the opportunity to invest yourself in another person if done in the right way.

Gift giving also is an opportunity to influence another person by supporting, complimenting, or recommending activities and values.

"Showing we care" and "relationship building" tend to be the aspects of gift giving that people pay most attention to. To this end we seek gifts that communicate love or that the receiver would very much enjoy and this is generally a very good foundation for giving.

With this in mind a man buys a box of chocolates for the woman he adores and a mother may buy a fire truck for her son. Joe the electronics hobbiest might receive a new soldering iron.

Much good is done with this motivation. Sometimes however it's not enough, sometimes it's ineffective, and sometimes it appears that the result is blatantly wrong.

Consider for example a reclusive video game addict who's mother constantly provides video games for Christmas, birthdays, and other occassions. Consider the irony of such a mother complaining about her son's couch-potato lifestyle. Clearly there is a better way to go about choosing gifts than simply selecting something that the other person desires.

Beyond simply strengthening bonds, by giving another person a gift you are investing in that other person. What you invest in that person has an influence on that person and if thoughtfully selected, your gift can have the power to influence that person's values.

When little Joey's mother buys him a toy fire truck for his birthday, she reinforces his desire to become a fireman and communicates that this is a good desire. She supports that aspect of little Joey's personality.

Likewise when Jen gets a Barbie for Christmas her parents are reinforcing whatever values are associated with that gift. When Frank couch potato receives the latest video game from his mother, she is reinforcing that aspect of his personality.

My grandmother, I think, had this all figured out. What I most remember about Christmas gifts from my grandmother was brain teasers and educational stuff. It was always stuff we enjoyed too. I can't remember ever having received a gift from my grandmother that I wasn't happy to have and I can't remember ever having received a gift from her that didn't reinforce our more wholesome characteristics.

It doesn't even have to be brain teasers and educational stuff. The idea is to pick out something that reinforces good characteristics in the receiver. That way you're really paying the person a sincere and specific compliment with your gift and you're reinforcing those good qualities in that person so that they actually become better people.

Truly it is to be lamented that so much of the great opportunity which is afforded us in the giving of gifts is wasted in thoughtlessness often reinforcing only a person's strongest characteristics rather than their best characteristics.